What No One Tells You About Top Surgery
It’s been over a year since I had my top surgery now and during the time leading up to it I would look up things about it, things like what I’d need to pack for the hospital, the recovery process, the euphoria afterward, and all of that good stuff. But nobody really talked about the nitty gritty stuff, the less aesthetic parts of healing and what comes after. Here are some things I wish people had talked more openly about.
1. The Flat Effect
You might not actually feel any euphoria, or that euphoria might feel more like peace than joy or excitement. I remember waking up hearing the rain outside and the birds singing and feeling like all was right with the world and them promptly falling back to sleep. When I returned to the hospital two weeks later for my dressings removed, I didn’t cry or feel much of anything. When I looked in the mirror and saw myself for the first time the first words out of my mouth were “that’s me”. And that was that. Surgery of any kind is a big fucking deal, it’s trauma to the body and even the mind, so don’t be surprised or concerned if you don’t experience feelings of elation and happiness, it doesn’t mean you regret anything, it just means you’re human.
2. You Might Be Emotional
On the other side of the emotional spectrum, you could become emotional and cry a lot as your body releases years of tension and built up dysphoria surrounding your chest. It’s completely normal to burst into tears randomly or feels things deeper than you usually do. Give yourself permission to fall apart in those moments, you don’t have to hold it together for anyone and you’re allowed to be emotional after such a huge life defining moment.
3. Your First Shower Will Be Heaven, Your First Sh*t Will Be Hell
The first time you’re allowed to step into the shower after two weeks of doing your best to wash in the sink with nothing but a flannel and a prayer, feeling vulnerable, delicate and like your non existent chest is about to fall off without your medical binder, is going to be heaven on earth. Just make sure you take your time, be gentle and don’t stretch or reach further than what’s comfortable.
Similarly, your first sh*t is going to be the most painful #2 you’ve probably ever taken in your life and maybe leave you traumatised and seeing stars. Your surgical team should have given you laxatives to go home with, take them. Eat fibre and stay really well hydrated. Also, wiping your butt is going to become an Olympic sport and/or a team effort. Vulnerability is a huge part of the healing process, there’s absolutely no shame in needing help or using aids like portable bidets, long-handed toilet aids, or moments of pure creativity.
4. Your Nerves are Gonna Feel Weird
One of the weirdest sensations I felt during healing is the feeling of my inside chest wall being sunburnt. It’s not the worst pain in the world, but it is uncomfortable. For the first few weeks there will be times your chest is gonna feel like you’ve been sat out in the sun in Spain for far too long, like there are ants crawling under your skin or like you’ve been shocked with a cattle prod and it’s basically your nerves screaming they’ve been cut and are repairing and rewiring themselves.
5. Going Shirtless is a Learning Curve
For some people, myself included, it takes some time getting used to your new chest which will continue changing for up to 24 months as swelling subsides, scars heal and lighten, fat shifts, and nerves reconnect. It’s okay to look in the mirror and not quite recognise yourself or feel connected to that part of yourself yet. It’s also totally okay to feel vulnerable, shy, and insecure about going shirtless at the beach or the pool. You’ve likely spent many years of your life covering up, it’s going to take a little bit of time to get used to the fact that you don’t need to anymore and gain the courage and confidence to take your shirt off in the company of others. Take your time and be kind to yourself.
Top surgery is a big, messy, uncomfortable, vulnerable deal. It’s okay if your healing and your timeline don’t look neat and tidy or euphoric and joyous. It’s yours, and it’s valid. And you’re not regretful, ungrateful or broken if it takes some time to feel comfortable in your new body.